Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
please come you make the beer taste better
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
