The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
