i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize