SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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