there's paper in my vomit.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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