i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
