I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
