Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
