I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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