I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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