You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
