I feel like I'm in dance class right now
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
