How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize