ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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