she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dignity is for republicans.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
