Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
