does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
