Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
