he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
