my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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