highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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