You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
