Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
