literally had 100 drinks last night.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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