you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
