im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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