I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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