Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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