Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
