Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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