ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize