The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
