Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
