my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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