i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
