Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
