i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
