im six kinds of drunk right now
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
