I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
