im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
