apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
