i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
