I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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