There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
