My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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