I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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