What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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