oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
