She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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