Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
