i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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