i think my mom watched the whole time
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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