Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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