The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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