Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My ass is underappreciated
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
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