I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
