my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
