I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
