Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize