Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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