a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
